Shay’s Tips On How To Write A Stupid Nifty Story!
Want to write a stupid Nifty story? Step right up! Follow my easy instructions and you will be able to create one in a snap!
* Rule 1: ALWAYS mention female characters’ bra size in the FIRST paragraph. If there are male characters, it is NOT customary to list the length of his, erm, Mighty Sword, although the reason for this odd distinction has been lost in the sands of time.
* Rule 2: Female characters MUST be either cheerleaders or teachers. If your setting is, for example, the planet Jupiter or, say, the frozen wastes of Antarctica, there still MUST be a high school there. This is not negotiable.
* Rule 3: Naming your character is very important! Certain names are preferable to others. I recommend Roxanne, Bubbles, or Desiree, although this last one is a bit Frenchy sounding and may make people think your story is some kind of artsy junk, so be careful!
* Rule 4: Get to the point! Do not waste your reader’s limited attention span fooling around with a lot of tiresome description and build-up. One sentence should do it. Something like this: “Roxanne, a constantly horny cheerleader with mammoth 54DD breasts, was panting as she eyed Bubbles, her biology teacher.” See? Easy.
* Rule 5: Dialogue! Nothing brings your characters to life like having them speak! But remember, this isn’t Oprah or something, so keep it short and snappy. Something like this: “Hi Roxanne.” “Hi.” Now you are ready to move directly on to the action!
* Rule 6: Foreplay. There must be none.
* Rule 7: Immediately after the dialogue you have crafted (see Rule 5) have your characters get right into it. Now that they have met, they can go directly into a long sequence about fisting or watersports. Although new acquantances do not always behave this way, who cares, it’s a story.
* Rule 8: The Intruder. Someone must now walk in on your lusty pair. This person should preferably be an authority figure such as a parent, a teacher (!) a policewoman, or 36th Circuit Court Judge Fionella Fox. Now listen, because this is important! They must NOT object to what they see! On the contrary, they should begin masturbating at the scene before them, and then join in. This should be done as crudely and as quickly as possible, so as to avoid any possible real eroticism. This is a tricky scene and must be handled carefully! Remember, we are writing a stupid story here.
* Rule 9: Always add passersby such as pizza delivery people, Avon Ladies, a neighbor or two, telephone linemen, census takers, Jehovah’s Witnesses or subpoena servers.
* Rule 10: The Orgasm. First of all, stupid story fans have limited attention spans, so get on with it already. Something like this: “Bubbles dove straight for Roxanne’s snatch (always use a word like snatch in a stupid story) and licked like a St. Bernard on steroids.” After about 20 seconds of this, Roxanne should climax. It is done this way: “AAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHH I’M CUMMMMMMINGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” All caps. And be sure to have them SAY that they are coming. Otherwise your reader may mistake passion for a grand mal seizure, or that your character has just won something on a radio giveaway or some other non-erotic activity.
* Rule 11: Resume sex immediately after this orgasm. Never mind that most women would jump through the headboard at being touched so soon, remember that your characters are NOT real people and must not be written as if they were. Sheesh!
* Rule 12: The ending. This is where you give your stupid or amused reader a nice send off and leave them feeling warm and fuzzy as they clean up their mess. After your characters have finished their fisting, their anal, their B & D, and their heavy fetish role play, wind it all up with something along these lines: “Oh Bubbles.” “Oh….wait, don’t tell me…..um um um….oh its right on the tip of my tongue….ROXANNE! I love you Roxanne.” Awwww.
* Rule 13: Whet the reader’s appetite for a possible sequel. Your last line should be “Maybe next time we should invite the lacrosse team” or “Just then, the school marching band walked in and started putting down their tubas and undressing.”
Now you know how to write a stupid Nifty story! So get writing!
© 2004 Shay
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